Come As You Are: Revised and Updated

There's No Such Thing as 'Normal' Libido

Breaking down the myth of the 'ideal' libido, Nagoski emphasizes that there's no such thing as a universally 'normal' sex drive. Each individual's sexuality is unique, influenced by a multitude of factors. The book encourages readers to move away from comparing themselves to others or adhering to societal expectations, and instead, to understand and accept their own personal desires and responses. This involves recognizing that variations in libido are natural and valid, and focusing on personal satisfaction rather than conforming to external standards. By dispelling these myths, Nagoski aims to reduce anxiety and self-doubt surrounding sexual experiences.

The Dual-Control Model: Accelerators and Brakes

The dual-control model highlights the interplay between sexual excitation and sexual inhibition in determining sexual response. 'Accelerators' are factors that increase sexual desire and arousal, while 'brakes' are factors that suppress them. These accelerators and brakes vary in strength from person to person, and understanding how they function in one's own body is crucial. Nagoski encourages readers to identify their personal accelerators (e.g., specific types of touch, environments, or mental states) and brakes (e.g., stress, body image concerns, relationship issues). By minimizing the impact of the brakes and maximizing the influence of the accelerators, individuals can enhance their sexual experiences and overall well-being.

Stress as a Sexual Buzzkill

Nagoski explains the profound impact of stress on sexual function, detailing how chronic stress activates the body's threat response system, diverting resources away from non-essential functions like sexual arousal. She emphasizes that stress isn't just a mental state; it has tangible physiological effects that can significantly inhibit sexual desire and response. The book provides practical strategies for managing stress, such as mindfulness, exercise, and prioritizing self-care. By reducing stress levels, individuals can free up their bodies and minds to experience greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Learning to recognize and mitigate stressors becomes a key component of improving sexual health.

The Power of Communication and Consent

The book stresses the importance of understanding and communicating one's own desires, boundaries, and preferences to partners. Effective communication is portrayed as essential for creating satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences. Nagoski encourages open and honest conversations about what feels good, what doesn't, and what each partner hopes to experience. This includes discussing fantasies, exploring new activities, and addressing any concerns or insecurities. By fostering a safe and supportive environment for communication, couples can deepen their intimacy and enhance their sexual connection. The focus is on mutual respect, consent, and shared exploration.

The Orgasm Gap and Redefining 'Good' Sex

Nagoski challenges the societal pressure to achieve orgasm every time during sexual activity, highlighting that focusing solely on orgasm can lead to performance anxiety and dissatisfaction. She promotes a more holistic approach to sex, emphasizing the importance of pleasure, connection, and emotional intimacy. The book encourages readers to redefine their understanding of 'good' sex to include a wider range of experiences beyond just orgasm. By shifting the focus from a goal-oriented approach to one that values exploration, sensation, and mutual enjoyment, individuals can experience greater sexual freedom and fulfillment. This involves letting go of expectations and embracing the present moment.

Body Image and Self-Esteem's Impact on Sex

Body image and self-esteem significantly impact sexual confidence and desire. Nagoski addresses the negative influence of societal beauty standards and encourages readers to cultivate self-acceptance and body positivity. The book provides strategies for challenging negative self-talk and focusing on one's strengths and positive attributes. By improving body image, individuals can feel more comfortable and confident in their own skin, leading to greater sexual enjoyment and satisfaction. This involves practicing self-compassion, celebrating individual uniqueness, and rejecting unrealistic beauty ideals.

The Importance of Emotional Intimacy

Beyond just physical acts, the book emphasizes the crucial role of emotional connection and intimacy in sexual satisfaction. Feeling emotionally safe, understood, and valued by a partner enhances the overall sexual experience. Nagoski encourages readers to nurture emotional intimacy through shared experiences, open communication, and acts of affection. This involves creating a strong foundation of trust, respect, and empathy within the relationship. By prioritizing emotional connection, couples can create a deeper and more meaningful sexual bond. Emotional intimacy acts as a catalyst, intensifying pleasure and fostering a sense of closeness.