The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Share Love Maps: Know Your Partner's World

Enhance your love maps by knowing your partner's world. This principle emphasizes the importance of understanding your partner's inner world – their hopes, dreams, fears, and daily stresses. It involves creating a detailed 'love map' of your partner's life, which allows you to navigate challenges and connect on a deeper level. By actively learning and remembering key aspects of your partner's life, you foster a sense of being known and understood, which strengthens the foundation of your friendship and intimacy. Regularly updating this 'love map' is crucial as individuals evolve and circumstances change over time, ensuring continued empathy and connection.

Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Celebrate Positivity

Cultivate fondness and admiration by appreciating your partner's positive qualities and history together. This principle encourages couples to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship and express appreciation for each other. It involves nurturing a sense of fondness and admiration, even when facing challenges. By actively remembering and cherishing the positive qualities of your partner and your shared history, you create a buffer against negativity and foster a more resilient bond. This practice shifts the focus from complaints to gratitude, creating a more positive and supportive atmosphere within the relationship.

Turn Towards Each Other: Respond to Bids for Connection

Turn towards each other instead of away by responding positively to bids for connection. This highlights the significance of everyday interactions and the importance of responding positively to your partner's attempts to connect. These 'bids' can be small gestures, such as a question, a touch, or a shared interest. By 'turning towards' your partner – acknowledging and responding with interest and support – you strengthen your emotional connection and build trust. Conversely, 'turning away' or ignoring these bids can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection. Consistently turning towards each other reinforces the bond and fosters a sense of being valued and supported.

Let Your Partner Influence You: Embrace Shared Power

Let your partner influence you by sharing power and decision-making. This principle underscores the importance of equality and mutual respect in a relationship. It involves being open to your partner's perspectives and incorporating their opinions into your decisions. Allowing your partner to influence you demonstrates that you value their input and consider them an equal partner. This shared power dynamic fosters a sense of collaboration and teamwork, leading to greater satisfaction and stability in the relationship. Gottman's research indicates that men accepting influence from their wives is a critical factor in successful heterosexual relationships.

Solve Your Solvable Problems: Tackle Issues Head-On

Solve your solvable problems by identifying and addressing issues that can be resolved through compromise and communication. This principle acknowledges that every relationship has its share of problems, but not all problems are created equal. It distinguishes between solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable problems are specific issues that can be addressed through effective communication, compromise, and problem-solving skills. By focusing on these solvable problems and developing constructive strategies for resolving them, couples can reduce conflict and improve their overall satisfaction. This involves active listening, empathy, and a willingness to find mutually agreeable solutions.

Overcome Gridlock: Explore Underlying Dreams

Overcome gridlock by understanding the underlying dreams and values driving perpetual conflicts. This principle addresses the more challenging, deeply rooted conflicts that stem from differing values or fundamental needs. These 'perpetual problems' are often unsolvable in the traditional sense, but couples can learn to manage them by understanding the underlying dreams and values that fuel the conflict. By exploring and respecting each other's perspectives, couples can find ways to accommodate their differences and minimize the negative impact of these ongoing issues. This involves empathy, acceptance, and a willingness to find common ground, even when complete resolution is not possible.

Create Shared Meaning: Build a Life Together

Create shared meaning by developing rituals, goals, and symbols that reflect your shared values and aspirations. This principle emphasizes the importance of building a life together that is rich in meaning and purpose. It involves creating shared rituals, establishing common goals, and developing symbols that represent your shared values and aspirations. These elements provide a sense of connection, identity, and purpose, strengthening the bond between partners. Shared meaning can be cultivated through traditions, routines, and shared experiences that reinforce your commitment to each other and your shared vision for the future. It is about creating a life narrative together.